by Rev. Dr. Melinda V. McLain
“Isolation” by Fabio Barbato
Spiritual Touchstone
During my 25+ years as a pastor, one of the most common worries I hear from parents with regard to their children (no matter what age!) is about friendship. Will my child make friends? Will those friends be a good influence? And, of course, what can I do as a parent to help my child make good friends?
There are no easy strategies for parents confronting this problem on behalf of their children. And the problem of loneliness and a lack of friends is certainly not limited to children. We recently learned from The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, the book our Mindfulness Circle is reading that at least 10% of Americans say that they don’t have any close friends at all.
Not surprisingly, as we move into the third year of a global pandemic, loneliness appears to be on the rise. A new report from Harvard states that: “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults (18-25) and 51% of mothers with young children—feel ‘serious loneliness’.” And not surprisingly, loneliness appears to have increased substantially since the outbreak of the global pandemic, although a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study in 2019 found that at least 1 in 5 Americans reported feeling lonely or socially isolated.
Rising loneliness and social isolation are serious health problems with real world consequences. Human beings are social animals like all primates, and we are meant to be in relationship. But somehow, we’ve lost the art of being in community. It might be that we honor rugged individualism too much. Or that we are distracted by media and technology. Or it could be that we’ve just forgotten (or never really learned) how important it is to take time for friendship and to be in community.
The Harvard report suggest three immediate strategies including “raising awareness”, such this blog post or by simply thinking about your friendships or lack thereof. Their second recommendation is to “increase and improve our social infrastructure”. The Good Table is designed to do that for folks in El Sobrante, but we can all take advantage of existing social infrastructure such as volunteering with a local organization or becoming part of a spiritual community such as a temple, gurdwara, church, mosque or synagogue. And the third recommendation is to work “to restore our commitments to each other and the common good”.
From a spiritual perspective, the best antidote to loneliness is to develop a warm and compassionate heart toward others. There are many meditation and prayer practices that can help anyone to become more aware and connected to one another. These practices also help us turn away from focusing on our problems and become more compassionate. This “turning” then helps us to make new friends and strengthen our existing community connections.
My own view is that the fastest way to decrease our own loneliness and self-centeredness is to actively choose to becoming a helper and volunteer. This can be hard for young adults and parents trying to juggle a challenging schedule, but the results can be miraculous.
Try doing one new thing “out in the world” once a month such as participating in a community work day. Here in El Sobrante, there are many opportunities including our monthly “clean-up the town day” every 3rd Saturday (including this Saturday, Feb. 19) from 10a-12n (meet at the library) or come to our site (5166 Sobrante Avenue) on the last Saturday (Feb. 26) from 12n-3p.
Here is some final wisdom to ponder from Archbishop Desmond Tutu on the subject of loneliness.
“Much depends on your attitude. If you are filled with negative judgment and anger, then you will feel separate from other people. You will feel lonely. But if you have an open heart and are filled with trust and friendship, even if you are physically alone, even living a hermit’s life, you will never feel lonely.”
May we all find happiness and friendship.